As an optimist and list-maker, I can easily rattle off things I love: back scratches, artichoke hearts, patterned fanny packs, and being bisexual.
As I’ve explored Hinge, my ability to romantically attach and be sexually attracted to folks across the gender spectrum is a part of myself that brings me great joy. What I don’t love, however, is how many misconceptions there are around bisexuality. While I’m willing to match with, seduce, and soiree with people across the gender spectrum, often my dates with people who aren’t bisexual (or queer) transform into Sexuality 101.
Sure, I don’t mind spewing a little queer theory over nachos, but to put it bluntly: There are things about me that are *way* more interesting than my sexuality. (I can deadlift 330 pounds, for example.)
Inspired by Hinge’s NFAQ (Not-so Frequently Asked Questions)—a growing collection of questions LGBTQIA+ daters need answered most—I put together a list of the five most pervasive myths about bisexuality I’ve encountered as a bi+ woman dating today. The goal in forming my list is for every perspective, gender, and sexuality to feel comfortable and confident while dating.
Because, seriously, if you’re among the 87 percent of bisexual Hinge daters who want to explore their sexuality more, you should feel 100 percent empowered to do so. So, let’s bust some bisexuality myths, shall we?
1. Myth: Bi+ folks aren’t attracted to non-binary folks.
Forgive the favoritism, but I—your token bisexual dater—experience no greater glee than when a non-binary babe gives me a Hinge Rose (a special “like” that makes you stand out) or comments on my voice prompt.
The yawn-worthy myth that bisexual people aren’t attracted to non-binary folks can be blamed on the prefix, bi-. There are only *two* gender identities—men and women—and bisexual means you’re attracted to both of them. Sure, some bisexual folks are attracted to those two, but understanding just how gender-inclusive bisexuality is by definition, requires looking at a few of the widely used definitions of bisexuality.
One of the most popular comes from the anthology Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World and Recognize. It states that “someone who is bisexual acknowledges that they have the potential to be attracted—romantically and/or sexually—to people of more than one gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”
Another definition of bisexuality that I gravitate toward, states that people who are bisexual have the potential to be attracted to people with genders similar and dissimilar to their own.
2. Myth: Bisexuality is a 50/50 attraction.
Let’s hammer this point home, shall we? Someone can be bisexual and be attracted to more than two genders, which is a fact ignored by this all-too-commonly used mathematical breakdown. It’s not that 50/50 is the incorrect split, and that bisexuality is 33/33/33 or 25/25/25/25; It’s that you can’t define sexuality with a ratio.
Someone can be bisexual, primarily attracted to women, and occasionally attracted to gender non-conforming folks. Someone can also be bisexual and romantically attracted to people across the gender spectrum, but only sexually attracted to people with genders that are different from their own. (Sidebar: Yes, romantic orientation and sexual orientation can be different).
Should you feel a need to quantify the genders to whom you’re attracted, remember they can shift anytime: tomorrow, next week, next decade.
3. Myth: All bi+ folks are polyamorous.
Quick explainer: Someone who is polyamorous has the ability to simultaneously maintain multiple sexual and/or romantic relationships at once. Some people experience polyamory as an orientation, much like their sexuality. These folks might refer to their polyamory preference as their “relationship orientation.” For others, polyamory may refer to one of the many relationship structures they enjoy.
The myth that all bi+ folks are polyamorous is based on the thought that in order to be bisexual (rather than straight or gay), you have to be simultaneously pursuing men and women. Think briefly about this and the lack of logic here (hopefully) becomes obvious. A person is not polyamorous only because they’re actively dating different genders.
Findings from the Journal of Sex Research show that people in polyamorous relationships are more likely to identify as bisexual than people in heterosexual relationships. On Hinge, you can use the “virtues” section to choose from different relationship types (monogamous, non-monogamous, still figuring it out), as well as whether or not you want to display it on your profile. If you want to provide potential partners with more, the “backstory” section allows you to give detail in your own words. Use someone’s answer (or lack thereof) as a conversation topic—as long as they’re open to discussing.
4. Myth: Bi+ folks are more likely to cheat.
You just have to laugh at some of these. People who are bisexual are not predisposed to breaking pre-established relationship agreements. The widespread distrust for and among bisexuals stems from the belief that a person is only bisexual when they are canoodling with people of more than one gender at all times—which we know is not true. Bisexual people can have healthy monogamous relationships.
5. Myth: Bisexuals (always) love threesomes.
Some bi folks (me) want to be your unicorn. Meaning, they (me) want to join you and your SO for a night (or many) of fireworks. Other bisexual folks, however, are more interested in having a colonoscopy than they are in having sex with you and your frat-boy boyfriend.
Bisexual folks’ desires can fall anywhere along the vanilla-to-kinky spectrum. So, just as you can be heterosexual and kinky, you can be bisexual and vanilla. Or you can be bisexual and kinky, and not like frat boys. Got it? Good!
Remember: The only thing that makes someone bisexual is that they personally identify that way. Sleeping with people across the gender spectrum in a threesome—or a twosome or any other gender configuration—does not mean that they are bisexual. Plenty of men have MMF threesomes and are straight, just as it’s possible to have a FFF threesome and not be a lesbian.
If you are looking to explore your bisexuality, Hinge is a welcoming place to start.
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